I recently listened to an episode of the podcast by Mel Robbins entitled “Why Making Friends As an Adult Feels Impossible & What To Do About It” and it really provided me with so much insight and comfort. The insight was that as our lives change and grow, evolving into new and different versions of our story, we really do begin to feel compelled to connect with people on a different level and for different reasons. Many of us with children develop friends through things that that our kids are involved in. Whether it be sports, the arts or some other interest that they have, we find these unique tribes that bond over the manic schedules are kids are on and the inordinate amount of time we will spend waiting on them while they are involved in those activities. I know for us, while living in Columbus, OH, our group of friends that we thoroughly enjoyed and cherish was curated through our boys participating in football, wrestling and lacrosse. While we may have had some differences in our upbringings and viewpoints here and there, the overwhelming commonality for us was the joy we found in supporting our kids and being together both during those seasons and outside of those seasons to create our own village. But those years don’t go on forever and people’s circumstances change - by choice or by force. So how do you make friends, develop a community as an adult?
The piece of comfort that I found from listening to this podcast is that all of the challenges that I have analyzed within myself these past 15 months since we moved are really shared experiences that many adults go through. Since moving to Fayetteville, scouring the internet looking for groups I could join or organizations I could become a part of became a mild obsession. I had to ask myself a few questions. What do I like to do and what options are there for me to do that thing locally? What kind of community was I seeking to find here? What were my non-negotiables? This time around felt so much harder because I wasn’t served a set of options on a platter because of other peoples commitments, i.e. our sons sports. In the past few years leading up to us leaving Columbus, I had answered a post on the Nextdoor Neighbor app (that thing is a whole essay unto itself we can explore someday - a lot to unpack there) placed by a woman who I now consider to be one of my dearest, close friends, who was looking to start a Cookbook Club. Our first meeting was December 2020. I just spent 3 hours last night on Facetime with them while they met and ate and fellowshipped together in Columbus. That was my first experience as an adult of finding and building a community that was purely by choice and independent of anything and anyone else. I love the women that all randomly answered that post. Through that entire process of getting to know each other and our varied backgrounds, it really helped me to see so many things through the lenses of others experiences both shared and unique. This whole process provided me with a blueprint for elements of what I would go through after moving to North Carolina in 2024. The challenges I have faced here are building on those experiences and providing me with context for when we move to Portugal.
Since moving here, there were many months that I truly felt so isolated and alone. I work remotely for my company and with that being such a great privilege, it really hampers your ability to get out of the house and find connections. We live in a very military heavy population and not being in the the military really bars you from access to many groups and resources here. My mind started to wander around the thought of trying to find a church that I could become a part of and that, frankly, just seemed overwhelming and distasteful given the current state of many faiths in America. It was an election year, do I find a politician or cause I believe in and donate my time to their campaign? I love art and found an art studio where you can pay to take classes but while it is not that far as a crow flies, you have to drive around the worlds largest military base to get to them so that became expensive and distance challenging. Then it happened, and quite frankly I have no idea how it happened. Like, I have no specific memory of how I found the group that I have become a part of and am learning how to make new friends as an adult within - building my new community here in NC.
At the end of September I found a website about a local, non-religiously affiliated community choir and sent and email to the director about what it would take to become part of their group. I drove myself to the next practice a little early and did a voice placement and then with all the anxiety that was coursing through me started back on my vocal journey that I had abandoned about 8 years ago due to having had enough with the mega church I was involved in. It has been the hardest and best thing I have done in my life and with it I have had to learn to be patient with myself about so many things. When opportunities come up to volunteer for events the organization is putting on as fundraisers, I throw my name in the hat and fill in where needed. All those years serving alongside others in the athletic boosters is paying off. I extend myself to have conversations with people to get to know them better. I stick my hand out and introduce myself and then once I get to know someone a little I try to start connecting them with others. I have found in my limited time within this group that there are so many other people just like me looking to find connections and communities and we are all having a hard time making friends as adults! I am finding gems of human beings that are interested in things that I both am interested in or things I never thought about being interested in and have had my eyes opened. I have to work at my vocals quite a bit because the old mantra that you lose it if you don’t use it truly does apply.
Slowly and surely things are coming together for me. I feel the joy of seeing the face of someone I am making friends with light up when they see me coming. I cherish the moments when someone will wait to walk out with me to my car to carry on that conversation and connection a little longer. I have the comfort of having conversations where I learn that I am surrounded by a great host of people who feel many of the same things I do and are slowly opening up about those scary and stressful feelings. There are people who are becoming politically active and never in a million years would have seen that for themselves and appreciate having a safe space to share the motivators for why they are taking those steps out of their comfort zone. I told the Cookbook Club girls that I think I can start the Second Chapter of our “club” here locally by the end of 2025. It’s a goal I have, to create a space where we can deepen those connections - bonding over food and drink.
I know in my heart that all of these experiences are providing me with the new skillsets I need to learn what community looks like at this stage of life and the steps it takes to find it and build it. The biggest challenge for me is the time that it takes. It is highly unlikely I will have a moment a connection where it just instantly clicks. Our youngest son is walking his own path in West Virginia on working through how to build his own community and what that will look like. Our other son and his family are on the cusp of the part of their journey that we loved immensely when their kids are involved in activities that provide them with groups of other parents to connect with. It’s all about the season of life that you are in. When you watch the inspirational and tear-jerking little clips on social media where people go to retirement homes to spread joy and love the message on repeat is that no matter how old we are, we all want to feel loved and seen and to be a part of something so for this time of growing and stretching of myself I am so grateful. I not only crave the connection but I hope that by making myself vulnerable I can be someone who helps others to find those connections too. It is evolving and I am here to tend to my newly planted garden so that I complete the process of knowing I am right where I belong for right now in my life.
Beautiful post. I just wrote today about finding community when moving abroad, specifically what it feels like to not know anyone and to not even have an emergency contact. I'm slowly working on finding my village. Thank you for sharing your experience.